My No Good Life
by emg78
Summary: He follows the routine, day after day. Never changing the path his life is on. Not letting anyone get close. Until one day the routine changes for the worse. AH, OOC. Entry for the FML contest!
1. Chapter 1

**FML Contest**

**Title: My No Good Life**

**Pen name: emg78**

**Characters: Edward**

**Disclaimer: Contains abuse situations and profanity.**

**To see the rest of the entries in this contest, please visit the FML C2: **http://www . fanfiction . net/community/FML_Contest_Fics/77195/ (_remove spaces for link to work_)

Prompt: Today I was buying beer at the liquor store I always buy beer at. I discovered that some of the people who work there worry about me if I don't come in to buy beer every day. FML

EPOV

Stretching the soreness from my frame, I rise from my bed running a hand through my unruly hair and rubbing my palms over my face.

Catching a glance of myself in the mirror, I shake my head and refrain from looking closer. The soreness emanates from wounds I would rather not examine closely. I will remain ignorant to my physical condition.

I don my daily dress of jeans and t-shirt. Covered by a dark hooded sweatshirt, I feel my cape of security fall over my frame. The only reason I have the will to move to continue on. I can hide under the clothes, go unnoticed.

Not by my choice, but a necessity of my life.

I grab my school bag, iPod, and a granola bar from a stash I keep in a dresser drawer. I leave by my balcony door following the stairs to the path that leads around the house. I'm relieved at this small blessing of an alternate exit from this place.

My sister Alice spends most nights at her boyfriend, Jasper's, house. She manages to avoid the drama that would come by showing face in ours. They don't seem to notice, or just don't care. I'm the one responsible for their vice, I'm the one whose presence they would notice missing.

My drive to school is short. Parking in a distant corner of the lot I eat my small breakfast ration while reading through last night's homework. The empty parking spot in my peripheral vision echoing the empty feeling in my chest. I hear the familiar growl of the ancient red truck before it comes in to view. The cold of being alone warming slightly as the empty parking spot is skilfully filled by the parking of the beast. A few moments later the driver door swings open and Bella Swan literally stumbles out and into my view. I watch as she swings her bag onto the edge of the truck bed. She takes out her ear buds putting them on before messing with her bright blue iPod for a few moments.

I watch unabashed as she is focused on the small device in her hand, her facial features scrunched up in concentration. She finally tucks it into her pocket and pulls out mittens and a book. A well worn copy of Romeo and Juliet which I have watched her read too many times to count. She leans on her truck for about ten minutes before tucking the book away. She turns her head toward my car and smiles slightly before walking in the opposite direction and disappearing into the school. I know she can't see me beyond the tint of the windows, but the smile she has from the sight of my car alone gives me another wave of warmth. She is the part of my morning routine I enjoy, watching her arrive and make her way into the school. I wait for the bell to ring before venturing from the car. I would rather rush then be early.

No one looks at me. Teachers and students alike don't look. I see them only as blurs, none are identifiably different. All smiling, talking, touching happily. The direct opposite of anything I can ever be or do.

I am a model student, albeit an anti-social one. Studying is the only safe activity, as long as I remain good at it. Sequestered in my room every night, quiet and alone, there is no other distraction safe for me. Every other activity I've been interested in has been twisted...tainted by the world I live in.

Teachers don't call on me in class. I've proven that I know the material so they don't feel compelled to question me aloud in class. I sit quietly, nothing but a lurking shadow in the back. Taking notes like a machine, without emotion or interest.

I used to see knowledge, an education, as my way out...a possible escape from this life. My opinion has changed. I have no escape, no way out. There is no end to this for me.

I barely register the morning passing. Moments of light soak into me when I catch a glimpse of Bella. Laughing with her friends in the hall and talking with a teacher outside her English class. I know her schedule as well as I know my own; having watched her from a far for months.

Lunch comes, and with it, an apple and a slice of pizza. They taste like cardboard, bringing no enjoyment other then the silence of my stomach. I eat in the hall on the floor by the door to my next class. Not attempting to remain in the cafeteria, surrounded by the chatter of the happy blurs enjoying the social break in their academic day.

My daily routine goes unchanged. I find my only salvation is the routine which I maintain faithfully...Hood up, head down, music full blast.

The shield I wear so no one notices, no one cares.

Blurs of my peers pass but do not notice me; better that they don't.

My life is not good for anyone. No friends. No girls. Not even myself if I'm being honest.

Finishing my cardboard tasting lunch, I move through the door to my biology lab table.

A low buzz of anticipation begins humming in my gut. A nervous excitement that keeps me coming back day after day to this place.

I wait impatiently jiggling my foot under the large table and moments later she sits by my side.

The only girl I wish I could let in, but know I can't.

"Hi" Her quiet voice gently greets me.

"Hi, Bella." I respond with a small smile. The only time I'll willingly talk and make eye contact today. Only for her. It's all I have for her.

A greeting and a smile, all I can offer her. She's different, kind, real, not like the others.

I take a moment to memorize her. Every day I add a new mental picture to the Bella album in my mind. I don't have the luxury of any tangible memento so I will take this moment to add a mental one.

She is wearing dark blue jeans that fit her perfectly, but don't look uncomfortable. I see a line of blue lace outlining her perfect cleavage. Just a hint of colour against her pale milky skin. I can guess it's only a tank top because she's covered with a black zip-up hooded sweatshirt. It's fitted but looks soft and comfortable. She is wearing a silver chain necklace with a star shaped pendant. It hangs just long enough to brush her collarbones gently and my fingers twitch a bit and I resist the urge to brush my finger tips along the exposed line of her throat. Her hair hangs gently down her back framing her face perfectly.

I watch discreetly as she sets her books out open on the desk. She is a creature of habit, always placing things in the same spot. Her binder folded over, a fresh sheet of paper already at the top. It sits at a 45 degree angle to her textbook which is open to the current study chapter across the top edge of the desk. Her pencil case, a box she has covered in black doodles sits open beside the text all the items in perfect reaching distance.

"How are you Edward?" She asks quietly turning in her seat a little.

"I'm alright. Did I miss anything yesterday?" Monday night had not been good. I ended up staying home from school yesterday because I wouldn't have been able to hide from all the prying eyes.

"No, nothing new. I was just worried about you." She says in almost a whisper looking back at her open books. I can see the hint of a pink blush creep up her cheeks.

"Everything's fine Bella. Don't spend time worrying about me." She should not being letting my world take anytime out of her day.

"You're my friend, I worry about my friends." She says quietly looking my direction without turning her body.

I don't get a chance to respond because the teacher begins the lesson.

Every part of me wishes for more with her but she is Chief Swan's daughter. To protect us, he can never know the truth of my life. To protect her, she can never be exposed to my life. In turn she can never know me beyond simple conversation in class, glimpses in the hall.

Occasionally our hands will touch briefly and the fire it sparks is incredible...a glimmer of the fire, the passion that could be.

If things were different…I was different…they were different.

Today our hands do not touch, but her waist length mahogany hair brushes my arm and hand while she leans over the table taking notes. Her strawberry scent surrounding me and as I breathe it in I feel calm, peaceful for a few moments.

The class ends. My hour of salvation brought by Bella Swan's presence is done.

"See you tomorrow Edward." She is ahead of me leaving today and I nod my response as she passes.

Stepping from the classroom, Alice is waiting for me. She is in her usual state wrapped around Jasper. An outsider would see her as a normal teenager. She dates, participates in school, socializes. From the outside, she is bubbly and confident.

Unfortunately I know the truth. Her scars run as deep as mine. Jasper stands by her knowing only some of the truth. He stands guard eagerly waiting to whisk her away from this place. He has braved our world just so he is able to remove her from it. I will be there to help when it is time. She deserves to be away from this. I need her to be away from it.

"I got the text, JD and Guinness." She speaks sad and low so the minions of forks high don't catch on.

I just nod. This is a routine we know well. The words may change but the meaning remains the same. A daily happening lasting moments but setting the tone for every moment following.

The blurs have returned. I have seen the only three people my conscience will allow me to: Bella, Alice and Jasper. The last only because of his attachment to my sister.

The final bell rings and my feet don't want to move. But there is a time frame I must follow if for no other reason than to go unnoticed.

The car feels cold and impersonal. Everyone seems to think it's mine; a sign of wealth and an upper class life. Oh how wrong they are with their assumptions. But as with everything in my life; I know the truth.

The true owner of this car is no longer allowed to drive. So I drive it but only to do the true owners bidding.

I pull into the strip plaza. Walk past the coffee shop where classmates of mine are enjoying themselves after school. I catch glimpses of the familiar blurs of my peers, books spread open on the table. They all enjoy innocence not available to me. A world opposite of my own. Completely unreachable.

The old bell above the door chimes as I open it. I lower my hood for the first time today, knowing the familiar cashier won't serve me if it is up.

I run my hand through my hair nervously, feeling completely exposed for the first time today. My shield is down momentarily and it's uncomfortable.

I don't need to look around. This is a trip I've done many times before. It doesn't take me long to grab what I need.

I carry a bottle of Jack in my left hand and a six of Guinness in my right. Anymore and things could get ugly, any less and they will be even uglier. A perfect balance impossible to maintain.

I walk to the cash and Esme looks me over. I know what she's seeing. The outcome when the balance was tilted too heavily to the not enough side. The remains of Monday's shiner and yesterdays split lip. Perhaps even a glimpse of the hand prints around my neck. My eyes dark green and clouded with the pain of the secrets I have to keep.

She bites her lip and sighs deeply. Her blue eyes swimming with sympathy and concern.

"We missed you yesterday Edward." She says quietly. She doesn't question my appearance, knowing from experience I won't answer truthfully.

I just nod. There's nothing I can say. She doesn't ask for ID. She knows how old I am, but also knows the alcohol isn't for me and looks the other way.

Handing her the cash, she pauses holding the bills above the cash drawer, obviously looking for the words to say something. She takes a few large breathes before speaking again.

"I worry when you don't come in." She keeps her gaze studiously on the money drawer not making eye contact as she quietly pleads with me. "Promise me you will call Carlisle or me if you need anything...anything at all." This isn't the first time she has offered help. Her husband Carlisle is an ER doctor at the closest hospital and he has stitched me up twice in the past year. Neither of them knows the truth of my life. I think they have an idea though. They have more knowledge of my daily routine than anyone else. She's searching my face; I can see the desperate look of concern in her features.

Making eye contact for a moment, I let the idea stew in my head. Could I ask for help? If not for me, for Alice? No... I can't... I won't. These are good people who don't deserve to be involved in the fuckery that is my family, my life.

"I know Esme. Thank you... but, I-I'm sorry..." I shake my head no, quietly acknowledging her offer and apologizing for upsetting her. I grab the items and head back to the car. On the drive home I push any thoughts of Esme and Carlisle out of my head. I know they mean well but any offer of help is useless and impossible to entertain.

Pulling up to the house the knot of anxiety I constantly seem to have sits heavy in my chest. As I close the door, having grabbed my bag and the liquor, I can hear it. Two raised angry voices. Shouting words I've heard before... words which only lead to one thing. My body tenses preparing for what is sure to come. My flight or fight response trying to force me into action. An action I can't take if I am going to follow with the routine I must. A shiver runs down my spine. Even after all this time, fear still hits my frame strongly. Even knowing what I'm sure is to come when I enter the house.

I open the door shutting it as quietly as possible. As it clicks quietly, I freeze. The shouting has stopped abruptly.

This is not usual. The shouting never stops because of my presence.

This is not what I know as normal. I have no way of anticipating what is about to happen.

I turn hesitantly away from the door. Nothing out of place in my line of sight. No sound noticeable around me. No sign of what is to come.

Then my world goes black.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: S. Meyer owns this amazing world of twilight. I just rough up her characters a bit :)

Thank you to April for buying me in the FGB auction! Without her I'm not sure if I would have been motivated to continue this story :)

* * *

Why is my head pounding?

Shit what time is it?

I've gotta get to school.

I'll get it if I miss school.

"Edward?... Just lay still, son." Who the hell is that?

This could be really good or really bad. I'm going to go with really bad as that would fit with my every day.

Moaning I try to sit up but a firm pressure on my shoulder keeps me down.

"Edward?... Can you open your eyes?" The mystery voice comes again.

Hadn't thought of that. I try to pry my eyes open but can only manage a bit before blinding light pours in flooding my head with pain.

I cry out squeezing my eyes shut again. The fact that I can't identify the voice unconsciously giving me the ability to actually speak to this person; swallowing roughly I manage to use my voice.

"Lights" It comes out roughly but audibly.

I hear a mumbled apology and movement around me as the glow beyond my eyelids dims so I try again while a small voice reminds me of the secret and how this can't be good for us.

My eyes are heavy and unnatural. My right eye seems to open more than my left and I blink trying to clear the blurry image my dry scratchy eyes provide.

My breath catches in my throat; my body not waiting for the command to retreat from the man sitting beside the bed.

He can't be here. He can't know.

I need to leave. I need to protect her.

"You need to calm down son. You've got a lot of injuries." The man leans forward clamping a supportive hand on my leg.

I try, really, I do. I take a few breaths, the need to run, hide, protect, pulling at me making it almost impossible to stay still. Almost.

"I need to leave sir." My voice barely a whisper as I shut my eyes and sink back into the pillow.

A deep chuckle causes me to open my eyes just to give the man an un-amused look.

"Sorry to laugh," He clears his throat. "That's not very professional. Uh, Edward it's my understanding that you'll be here at least a few days. Dr. Cullen will be back shortly to explain things to ya medically."

A few days! I can't be here that long. Alice, Jasper... her, none of them will be safe. I have to leave; I have to keep the routine to keep them safe.

I start to feel lightheaded as my breathing becomes faster. One of the monitors beeps faster and faster.

"Need Dr. Cullen, please." I hear a voice say.

"He's on his way. I have orders to sedate if necessary. I can't give him too long to calm down on his own." A woman's voice registers through the haze.

I hear a distant flurry of voices around me following the initial woman. All the time the hand on my leg remains firm.

"Edward? They need you to calm down or they'll have to put you under. Do you understand?"

That statement breaks through all others. If I'm sedated I can't leave. If I don't get out of here I can't protect them.

I feel my breathing start to slow. Feeling returns to my numb hands. It has taken a long few minutes but I'm starting to calm; the panic having tired me out almost as much as a sedative would have.

"Little overwhelmed?" The woman's voice comes from my other side. I nod acknowledging the panic still firmly around my chest. "Now that you're a bit calmer I can give you something to help that it won't knock you out."

"Yes, thank you." I pry my eyes open again to watch a nurse inject something into my I.V.

The door bursts open and an out of breath Dr. Cullen rushes in. The nurse meets him at the foot of my bed and they talk in hushed voices. I turn to the man still at my side and he gives me an encouraging half smile.

"I'm sorry but I really need to leave." I whisper my plea again.

The man squeezes my leg again while maintaining eye contact. A different voice answers the plea however.

"I'm afraid I can't let you Edward." Dr. Cullen comes closer carrying what must be my chart.

"Why?" I keep it simple not having the energy to speak further.

"Your injuries need hospital care this time." He states bluntly. "You are a minor and as such you do not have a say this time." He sighs and contemplates his next words. "I let this go on for too long Edward."

"I'm not concerned for myself." I state equally as bluntly to the kind doctor. In all our meetings he has always been blatantly honest and tried to help.

"Alice is safe. She's at my house with my wife."

I laugh darkly at this information. Staying somewhere else for the night won't keep her safe. Only the routine, my constant walking of the line keeps her safe.

"You think disappearing for one night will keep her safe?" I focus my attention on the green hospital sheet.

"What's the last thing you remember Edward?" The man beside me pulls out a pad of paper and pencil.

I think back. School, the liquor store, driving home... nothing. I don't remember getting home. I had the alcohol... then I should have gone straight home. They would have been waiting for me.

"Was I in a car accident? I remember leaving school but can't remember coming home." Confusion has set in as I openly discuss details of my life with these two men.

I shouldn't be telling them this.

They shouldn't be part of my world. No one should.

"No not a car accident. You did make it home."

"My parents, I have to get home, my parents... they'll... be worried." When I get to the end I can barely manage a whisper.

"Will they?" The man has paused writing his pen hangs above the paper while he looks at me with a raised eye brow.

"Yes... I mean they'll... they'll be waiting for me..." I trail off because even to me my words sound less then true. Really I'm not lying; more omitting details. My parents would be worried about their alcohol, they'd be waiting for the alcohol; but being the retriever of their vices I would be included in that concern if only fleetingly.

"Edward! Edward! Oh thank God!" Everything happens so fast I barely register the blur of my sister as she catapults through the door and on top of me. I don't have a chance to react before blinding pain shoots through my rib cage and head as she squeezes me roughly.

Her weight disappears from me and I gasp for air. I manage to open my eyes enough to see Dr. Cullen injecting something into my arm. Finally the pain starts to numb enough for me to talk. First I look straight at the Doctor.

"You lied." I state as firmly as I can because my lungs still won't fill completely with air.

I look at my sister and she has tears streaming down her face. She's being held by Dr. Cullen's wife.

"She's not safe." I continue when the Doctor looks shocked at my initial words.

"You don't know?" Her voice carries quietly from the safety of Mrs. Cullen's arms. Her wide dark blue eyes focus on me.

"Know what?" Is all I can manage as the cocktail of medicines they have given me starts to affect my ability to stay awake.

"We are safe. We're safe Edward, totally and completely safe." She whispers reverently.

I try to understand. I try to figure out her words. But before I can... sleep takes me.

"Should he still be asleep? Is everything ok?" My sister's voice quietly asks.

I want to ask her is who ok? But my eyes are too heavy to open still.

"He's fine Alice. He just needs time. He's been through more than any of us can understand." A voice I recognize as Dr. Cullen answers.

I finally clue in that it's me they're talking about. Why are they talking about me? They should be worried for themselves.

I try to stretch my arm but a slight tugging stops me. It all comes back. The hospital, Dr. Cullen, his wife, Alice... Chief Swan.

"I need to leave." I manage to croak out. My first thought before trying to open my eyes.

"Where do you need to go Edward?" The Doctors calm voice asks.

"Home. I need to see my parents." That's all he needs to know. That's all he can know.

"We live with the Cullen's now." My sister's gaze feels like it is reaching into my soul. Like she is trying to tell an entire story with that one look and sentence.

"What? Why would we do that?" I am beyond confused. "It's not safe, you know that."

"We're as safe as we can ever be now Edward." Again with the vague lines.

"Enough with the vague crap. Tell me what the fuck is going on." A sharp pain hits me in the chest and I grab at it with my hand.

"You need to stay calm and still Edward. You have two broken ribs and a concussion along with a multitude of bruises." Carlisle states calmly while checking something on one of the monitors. "We have some things to tell you but we won't until you can stay still."

As he talks of my injuries I start to feel more. I guess I had been blocking it all out. Now that I'm aware of it everything hurts. Even the toes on my left foot feel sore and bruised. The throbbing in my ribs and ache in my face and head seem to be the worst though. I put my hand to the back of my head where the pain radiates from and am surprised to find a bandage covering a good portion of it. My face must show my surprise because Dr. Cullen speaks up without my asking.

"The gauze is covering 12 staples that we had to use to seal up a four inch laceration on the back of your head. We're pretty sure you also had a concussion from that blow as you were brought in unconscious." As he pauses a string of questions run through my head. But I wait patiently for the rest. "Your rib cage is also bandaged but luckily they were clean breaks and didn't do any major damage to your lungs. It will be uncomfortable for a long time."

The questions play over and over. Who found me? Where? What happened? Where are my parents? But I continue to listen patiently. I'm good at keeping quiet.

"From what Chief Swan has pieced together it is believed you arrived home at your usual time. He believes you just made it in the door. Only you will be able to tell us what really happened if and when you get your memory back." I just nod slightly because I don't remember getting home.

"He thinks that possibly you interrupted an argument between your parents. Alice has confirmed that they fought a lot, that it often became physical especially when it involved you." I turn my head as quickly as I can without pain and stare wide-eyed at my sister.

"You told them?" I whisper angrily.

She shrugs and hugs herself tightly. "There's no reason not to now."

"I guess I should skip some things for now. I'm going to be blunt because I don't think you'll really hear anything other than straight information right now." Dr. Cullen pauses and waits for my confirmation on his assumption.

"You'd be right."

"You're parents are dead Edward." He stops to assess my reaction. I don't think he expects me to burst out laughing but that's exactly what happens.

As my laughter subsides Alice is looking at me with deep concern on her face and Dr. Cullen is frowning and shaking his head.

"Before you question my information I will continue to tell you what the police have pieced together." I nod still feeling a little like I'm in an alternate universe. "They believe you were knocked unconscious and beaten by your Father, a baseball bat was found very close to you and it is consistent with your injuries." He sighed deeply before grabbing Alice's hand. "It is their opinion that your Father then turned a gun on your Mother before turning it on himself."

Alice began to openly sob as tears streamed down her face. My mind was having trouble understanding the information.

They were gone? Really gone?

The routine, my life, everything I did everyday was for them. Because of them.

What would I do?

"He had a gun?" My mind settled on the details and this was the most concerning. A fist, a bat, harsh words; those I could live with but I didn't know he had a gun.

"It was registered to one of his former clients." Carlisle had moved his chair so he could easily put a comforting arm around my sister while still talking with me.

"Dead? They're really dead?" I know my face would look crazy but I couldn't help the small smile of relief from showing.

"Yes, you're safe now." He leaned forward and placed his hand on mine. "And if you're comfortable with it my wife and I would like it if you would stay with us. Your sister has already agreed."

"I don't know. I don't feel sure of anything." I whisper more to myself than anything.

"I wouldn't expect you to. It will take time for everything to sink in and even longer for you to adjust." He paused and watched my face closely, I felt numb and I'm not sure what showed but he continued. "You still have some hospital recovery ahead of you. Take that time to think, ask questions, we'll be here. Then you can let us know."

They sat with me a little longer before deciding it was time to get home for some rest. Home. Could it really be with the Cullen's? Could I just walk away from what had been my home?

The information Carlisle had told me buzzed around in my head. Echoes of the routine I had kept for the last few years. The walls I had built around me didn't feel as solid as before. Could I open a window? Put in a door?

My parents were dead. Gone. Never again would I be at their command. I could go where I wanted. I could speak to whoever I wanted to. I could speak to her.

Bella.

A warm feeling spread through my chest and I was pretty sure it had nothing to do with painkillers or broken ribs.

Two days later a new face appeared in the door. Dr. Snow introduced himself as the head of Psychiatry for the hospital. Carlisle had asked him to speak with me because of my recent trauma. I almost laughed at him but it remained hidden behind the emotionless mask I always wore. My most recent trauma was just the tip of the iceberg. This guy didn't have enough time in his busy schedule to figure out my fucked up life.

He asked questions and I answered, sorta. Mostly he focused on where I was going to go once I was released from the hospital. Would I be comfortable with the Cullen's or would I want to try a group home until I turned 18. I hadn't clued in that I couldn't just be on my own.

He left after giving me even more to absorb and think about. Great as if I needed that.

The hours alone in a hospital room weren't good for me. Yes the Cullen's and Alice were there as much as possible but I was alone a lot too. All there was for me to do was think. A dangerous pastime for someone accustomed to following directions.

The anxiety in my stomach started to build until eventually showing external signs. My hands shook and I was restless. I couldn't focus on conversations when people were in the room with me. My heart raced when the door opened and I paced from the bathroom to my bed when I could manage without too much discomfort.

"Edward? I think we may need to put you on some anti-anxiety medication for a little while." Carlisle spoke calmly from the chair beside my bed.

"I'm fine. I just need out of here." I managed to ground out through clenched teeth.

"Where will you go? Have you thought about our offer?" He was watching my reactions very closely, unfortunately for him years of not reacting wouldn't allow for him to read anything on my face.

"I'll go where Alice is. But just until I'm 18." I couldn't look him in the eye. He was the most genuine person I had ever met and had always seen more than I thought possible. "And no drugs."

"Alright, no drugs, for now. However if I notice your symptoms worsening we will be revisiting this." He stood and turned to leave. "We'll all be here to pick you up tomorrow. You're being discharged."

A brief flicker of relief ran through my head before being squashed by the anxiety. Damn it, I've got to get this under control. Every emotion possible circulated through me at a blinding rate. This could be a problem.

As promised the next day Esme, Carlisle and Alice were all back to move me out of the hospital. The Cullen's barely concealed excitement was easily ignored but my sister's concerned looks were harder. Why she was so worried I couldn't figure out, but I would have lots of time to decipher it while on bed rest for the next two weeks.

The house was huge but I was far from comfortable. Everything feeling very temporary; the house, the family, the safety. I could feel my anxiety start to spike while Carlisle helped me move to a soft arm chair not far from the door. He smiled but his eyes showed concern.

The next few days were a blur. I remained stuck to the first floor and really only moved from the couch to use the bathroom. I flipped through the endless TV. channels the Cullen's subscribed to without ever settling on a show. I would doze off feeling one way and wake up feeling a completely different emotion. I snapped at Esme, ignored Carlisle and screamed at Alice.

I longed for the routine. I longed for the blurs. My life had been predictable. My reactions necessary.

Now how was I supposed to be? Could I look at people, talk to them?

"Alice is going back to school today. Esme has an appointment and I have to work. Will you be ok here for a few hours?" Carlisle asked from his perch on the coffee table in front of me.

"Yeah, sure. Fine." I didn't look at him. Remaining focused on the nonsense on T.V.

I'm not sure when he left. When they all left. But I eventually realized I was alone.

I stayed in my position on the couch. Esme would force me to eat when she got home. I continued to stare into the TV. not really seeing anything. Not really thinking or feeling, anything.

A loud sound breaks through the current talking heads on the screen. It sounds again and I realize it's the doorbell.

Anxiety pierces through me. I never answered the door before. It wasn't part of the routine. It wasn't something they needed from me. No one would have come to that door.

But this was the Cullen's door. Good people. People who would answer their door all the time.

Easing off the couch I stand behind the solid wood door. I peek over the high window and can just see the top of a head. A head with mahogany colored hair.

Bella. My chest tightens with the realization that she is on the other side of the door.

She's right there and my reason for not speaking to her, for keeping distance between us is gone. I'm far from good enough for her, but my life doesn't put her in immediate danger anymore.

My new situation sinks in as I stare at the back of the door.

The bell rings again.

With a deep breath I pull the door open.

She's turning to walk away.

"Bella?" My voice isn't much more than a whisper. But it's enough to get her to turn around again. "What are you doing here?"

"I brought you flowers... ummmm my mom always says yellow is cheerful and I uh, thought you could use some cheering up because of well because of what... I'm sorry. I should just go. I'll just leave this right here..." She's rambling and turning the deepest shade of red as she speaks nervously.

"Bella." She froze in place looking everywhere but at my face. "Stop. Please come in and sit down."

I see her let out a big breath before walking cautiously past me into the house.

For the first time in two years I'm able to look at her without worrying about protecting her from the bad things surrounding me. While I was still having trouble coming to terms with my new life I was going to enjoy this moment and finally talk, really talk, to the girl I had come to feel strongly for.

We sit and just look at each other. She's gripping the bunch of flowers tightly in her hand, the other hand firmly on her purse. She's perched on the edge of the seat and her knees are bouncing.

"I've never seen you so nervous." Shit. I didn't mean to say that out loud. Damn it. First chance in this new life to talk to a girl and I'm screwing it up.

She laughs nervously and sets the flowers down on the table sliding her purse onto her lap to hold with both hands.

"I wasn't sure you'd want to see me." She speaks quietly and focuses on the ground.

"There isn't any one I would rather see." My voice is strong even though my stomach is in knots.

She lifts her head and smiles at me. A smile I have wanted to see for two years. A smile that warms me and makes me feel more in control then anything in recent memory.

"Really?" She pulls her bottom lip between her teeth.

"Yes. You make me feel normal. You've always done that." I lean forward hoping she will look at me and she does. "I've wanted you to see me for a long time." I know I'm saying too much but I still feel like this life is temporary that at any moment I'll be returned to the other life.

"I do see you Edward. I always have." She says shyly.

We sit in silence for a little while. It's not awkward, instead it's completely comfortable. I soak up all the positive energy Bella brings to me. I know it won't last once she leaves.

"How did you know?" She looks at me puzzled. "About what happened?"

"My Dad." I must look concerned because I don't want her knowing all the gory details. "Oh, no. He didn't tell me everything. Just asked if I knew you and when I said yes he suggested you might need a friend. When I saw Alice back at school without you today I asked her and she told me where you were staying." She shook her head. "I don't know... I don't know exactly what happened just the general idea."

"I don't think I've ever heard you talk this much." I muse out loud when she finally stops her ramble.

"You're not upset? They didn't tell me much of anything, honestly." She's back to gripping her purse tightly.

"No, I want you to know. Just maybe not all the, uh, details." I swallow thickly at what little I can remember.

She nods before jumping in her seat suddenly and digging through her purse.

"I almost forgot. I brought you something." She pulls out a black object and hands it to me.

It's cold and heavy in my hand. A bracelet. Black beads on a black leather rope. I smirk at her.

"I don't wear much jewellery, Bella." Got it feels good to talk to her.

"Uh, no. You don't have to wear it. Ummmm..." She pushes up her sleeve and I see a row of five or six bracelets in different colors but the same as mine. "They're worry beads. You roll them between your fingers if you feel, uh, anxious about something. It's supposed to be calming." I watch as she manipulates the rows of beads with her fingers. "I find it helpful."

I roll the heavy beads between my fingertips absorbing what she's explained.

"Why are you so anxious Bella?" I ask before thinking. I really don't know anything about her outside of school. It was always necessary to keep it that way.

"I don't do well with large groups. I get... really nervous with anything new. Or uh, talking to boys, it's intimidating." She's back to looking at the floor and twisting the now visible bracelets.

"You never seemed nervous to me. Until today." I'm confused by this new information. She always seemed so together and calm, maybe a little shy.

"I'm that way with everyone. Everyone except you." She focuses back at me and her deep brown eyes burrow into my green ones.

Esme comes home a few minutes after Bella admits this. I'm disappointed but happy that I had this time with her.

"Bella! It's so nice to see you. Will you be staying for dinner?" Esme walks up and engulfs Bella in a hug. She looks uncomfortable and a bit surprised.

"No thank you Mrs. Cullen. I have to be getting home to make dinner for Charlie." She smiles uncomfortably.

"Oh well. Maybe another time. Carlisle would love to see you."

"Maybe." Bella looks to me and smiles slightly.

"Definitely." I say hoping I'm not being to presumptuous. That I haven't scared her away with my unpractised social skills.

She nods and then she is gone. Esme takes Bella's chair and looks at me closely.

"I didn't know you were friends. It was nice of her to stop in to see you." She's looking at me. Trying to figure me out.

"We weren't. We couldn't be." I sigh and for the first time since coming into her home I speak what I'm thinking. "I want to be now. I really want to be her friend."

Esme smiles and pats my hand. "Then you will. You can do and be whoever you want now." She points to the flowers. "May I put them in some water for you?"

"Yes, thank you."

With another smile and pat of my hand she is off to the kitchen.

I close my eyes. The warmth that came with Bella is still there. I rub the beads still in my hand.

There may be some good coming to my no good life after all.


End file.
